He is only 14 but he thinks he's so much older.
They fight horridly, and tonight was no exeption.
They threw him out into the hands of the night,
no food, no clothes, i dont even htink he was waering shoes..
There was yelling and swearing and he was told not to come back.

Now they have gone for a drive so they can argue about him some more, without providing yet another 'triggor' for another spiraling wave of depression and anxiety.

I wish that i couldnt remeber hating them so,
i wish i could not remeber having so much hatred and angst in my heart.
I wish that only a few years ago i felt and thought exactly like he does.

And now after downing a glass of alcohol and awaiting the reaction with my newly doubled medication, I WISH he does not end up like this.

Im the biggest ive been in almost 5 years.
Im having surgery on wednesday.
Im on the verge of loosing my job because of said surgery
and, he is comming back to town.

I need to meet other people,

I need to not get so attatched and fixated on him,

I need to stop sleeping with him,

I need for Josh not to be comming back,

I need to be ok with josh comming back,

and,

I need surgery.

I did it again.

I know he's always been my friend, and i shouldnt, we arnt 'together'
and with his drug habits we never will be.
But when he touches me i cant say no.

I did it again, he pulled me so close, and i freaked out becasue i diddnt want him to see the cuts on my legs, i though he would freak out and it would ruin it.He got upset and ran out the front door at midnight, in a storm, with no phone. Turns out i ruined it anyway..

Today,

I cried infront of my new shrink.

Is it in fact that i am getting soft and emotional? Am i attentioin-seeking? Was the awkward silence all too much?

I think perhaps its that i am over lying about everything.
I am over being sick, "unwell" "troubled"
I am over trying to convince myself i dont need help.

For once i am putting myself into a professionals hands(without holding back)
and i will leave it to her to decide if i need help or not..well more serious help than her's.

Im scared, but i need this.

On the upside, if i can manage to convince/bribe him into comming with me, this weekend shall be the most fun ive had for a damn few weeks.

He is gone.and im alone

The end.

I wish that i could hate him.

+ loose some weight- THE HEALTHY WAY
+ make some friends, if it kills me
+ establish a life of my own, for he will be leaving soon
+ make amends with J
+ talk to J, not only on lj, even see her more maybe
+ get a proper mother/daughter relationship
+ emerge into the sunlight every now and again
+ prepare myself for 'dating', i do not even know how.

I wasn't quite good enough- story of my life.

3 years

And i wasnt quite good enough to make him stay.
I couldnt quite make him happy enough.

He's going to leave.
Going to leave me with nothing.
It will always be his side of the bed, it will always be the space where his clothes should be, it will always be the spot his guitar used to lay, and every time i look in the mirror i will always see him standing behind me.

I cannot embrace change. Even though i know this is not the end of the world.
I cannot stop:
Crying
Vomiting
Hiding
Begging

Im affraid for my health.
At the moment i do not know what ill do without him in my life.

But i wasnt quite good enough.

The days just blur into weeks, and the weeks just blur into months.
I guess im happy with where i am,
or have i just given up?

I dont post enough.

since my lowest and ideal weight in the end of year 10, after going through 'self help rehab' and started medication, ive put on 22kg.

Disgusting.Absolutly repulsive, isnt it.
i wish i was dead right now, i really do.

I am going to spen as much money needed on diet pills and suppliments ect.
I am going to run.
I am going to attend every pilates class no matter how sick i am.
And i will be horridly unhappy and teisted untill i lose atleast 10kg.

Shoot me in the head anyone?

I just found out the most horrible thing.

And i just cant process the thought, so type it in on lj, right.

The family down the road who ive grown up with, the two girls who are like sisters, and like aunty and like uncle ect.

The family who has been through so much lately ie cancer, opperations and chemo.

The family whom everyone though had it all, the house the lifestyle the money, heck even the happiness.

Now through fault of a nervous breakdown out come stories of affairs with the neighbour.

Oh eff oh ehh oh eff.

So now my sisters and aunty of kinds are searching for a new house and all that jaz.

This is the most horrible and missfortunate thing.

why does this always happen to the un deserving people?

I fell sick i feel sick i feel sick.
I seem lately to always be feeling sick. and faint.and cold. and nervous.

Even though my hydrochloride dose hase been upped to 60mg, my mental health is slowly deteriating, along with my general health.
I must go get those x-rays, and get those blood tests taken, but i am scared of somthing that im sure doesnt exhist.

Today i dressed how I wanted and took a push bike from my garage, and rode my way down to the plaza. I hadnt used a bike in so long id almost forgetten how to ride, swerving in and out. The looks every single passer by shot me confirmedit, i am dying slowly but evidently.

I need somehting to pull my out of this haze.

I just cant get enough sleep no matter what.And i cannot remeber the last time i painted, or attended bodylines.
I'm supposed to be happy now right? I have what's supposed to be normal, i live with the boy i always dremt of, i come home from work, cook, clean and wait for him to come home to me.Everyday starts with a kiss on the cheek, we both go to work,and ends in hugs and sleep.

But i cannot live like this, i damage the ideal picture a little more every day.

And i cannot stop myself crying. I seem to cry alot these days.


I cannot warm my fingers

The toaster is too slow

Im starting to lose hope in finding the something that i need, 
maybe i'll stay this way forever.

I don't want to be one of those people who has to be medicated for life.

To rely on those little pills to get by everyday.

I know i should try and learn to make myself happy and controll my moods without the medication, but without them i and shitty and broken and no one likes me, no one at all, i dont even like myself.
Though the catch is, i dont even know wich self i am anymore.

He said he will love me always, but ofcorse he sais that, he has to, we're dating.

But what about when i freak out and vomit every time he touches me, what about when a scream at him every day for no reason at all, what about when he has to watch every glance he shoots, every word he say's for he'll never know wich one will triggor a breakdown.

What about then, for its impossible to love a crazy perosn.

I need to go back on them, espescially for now, because i cant work without them, and i need this job.I can't keep this relationship without them, and i need him.

I think i need them again, or am i just taking the easy way out?

This boy,j,

Oh man, the things he's beeen through.

He is my equal, we fight the same battle, the same war.

So he's just started back on his medication, ive just stopeed.

Naturally we are both a mess.

He's just broken up with his girlfriend of almost a year, his one escape.

I'm worried. And cannot contact him.

I feel for you j

So far, i cannot count the tears he's made me cry.

I hate him for it.

It's been 5 days since the pysc instructed to stop all medication.

I need some help. It's horrible and im falling apart.

Gay gay gay.

I hate being like this.

Crying makes me feel dirty.

Today, without reson, i actually allowed my self to walk into diva, and worse,

i actually puchased something. So obviously ive lost all self pride and moral, and am obviously a hypocrite.


so, one doctors appointment down,

Monday is the visit to the Phsyc.

Conculision:

I suck. I lose. I fail.

Now i vomit.

And that, is the conclusion.

I'm desperate for nothing.

What if we get hungry?...There's FOOD out there.

Apparently the world hates me.As i hate myself.


la la la. Drugs and sun and dancing. Pretty clothing and warm weather and music.